The 10 Most Outrageously Badass White Rap Songs EVER

January 14th, 2009 § 22

We all have our little guilty pleasures in life, be it Tater Tots, MTV Cribs, or watching Nicholas Cage in The Wicker Man. For me, there is no pleasure, no rapture, no exquisite sin greater… than the fine art of White Rap.

Now, when most people hear the words “White Rap”, images of Eminem, The Beastie Boys and perhaps even the venerable Mark Wahlberg usually come to mind. To me, these people aren’t white rappers – just rappers that happen to be white.

True White Rap is what you get when you take an art form and have it performed by people whom it was never, ever intended for. The resulting product is something so awesome it’ll make you want to rip the face off of a 5th-grader.

So without further ado, here are 10 of the most outrageously badass White Rap songs… EVER.

#10 – Sniper Twins – “Computer Friends (Stack the Memory)”

First up is this Seagate-sponsored rap video featuring a bunch of office-working tech junkies waxing lyrical about CPU specs and storage space, marking the first time you’ll ever hear the words ‘Paypal’ and ‘megahertz’ set to a ghetto beat.

The only thing more insane than the song’s premise is the fact that I actually understand everything that’s being said in it. Face it, you probably do too.

Illest verse:

“Come on take a ride on the Super Highway / Information you’re craving, your keyboard’s like a Steinway / Enter, Escape or print this screen / If your computer freezes up, hit Control-Alt-Delete.”

#9 – Prep-Unit – “Tea Partay”

A couple of years ago, the people at Smirnoff smoked a bunch of owls and subsequently came up with the most awesome marketing concept for their Raw Tea alcoholic malt beverage line – a viral music video depicting stereotypical East Coast preppies gangsta-rapping about ‘Tea Partays’.

In addition to the contextually-inappropriate lyrics, the editing choices made in the video also add to its lulz factor, replacing many gangsta-rap music video trademarks with their yuppie equivalents.

Also interesting to note is the sequel, featuring West Coast surfer stereotypes rapping about Green Tea in response to the East Coast preppies’ jibes.

Illest verse:

“It’s a tea partay / from Maine to Amagansett / We may be vanilla / but our labs are in chocolate”

#8 – Joe Woody – “Fast Food Freestyle”

The only thing funnier than the fact that these guy had the balls to do this is that the McDonald’s people taking their order actually took them seriously.

While the rap isn’t as long as some of the others ones in this list, it’s definitely very catchy, and something that you’ll be reminded of the next time you pay for Sweet & Sour Sauce at Mickey D’s.

Illest verse:

“We need some chicken up in here / in this dizzle / For rizzle my mizzle / extra salt on the frizzle.”

#7 – The Sock Puppets – “PPL B TXT’N 2MUCH”

Nothing much to say, except “r u srs??”

Illest verse:

“Like when you meet a fly honey and you wanna get her digits / and you wait two days to make contact but you still don’t wanna talk to her / Kinda wanna keep it impersonal and mysterious and shit? / Yeah dog I run that shit all day all day all day.”

#6 – Schaffer the Darklord – “The Rappist”

For those watching Schaffer the Darklord for the first time, the experience can be quite a shocking one. It’s not everyday you hear a nerdy-looking individual spew perfectly stylized prose about the many different ways he would have sex with a clone of himself, or how the Tin Man from The Wizard of Oz would make for the perfect horror villain.

In this particular song, Schaffer demonstrates his incredible mastery of “rhythmically delivered lyrics over wicked beats”, while denouncing his style’s similarity to mainstream hip-hop at the same time. The fact that his nickname is also the acronym for ‘Sexually Transmitted Disease’, as well as the word ‘Rappist’ being one letter away from something terrible, just serves as further proof of The Darklord’s awareness and skillful employment of self-aware, edgy wordplay.

Illest verse:

“‘Cause I don’t bounce and I don’t do rap hands / see, look at me, I look like an ass, man / No crew, no gin and juice / I’m no Dr. Dre, I’m more like Dr. Seuss.”

#5 – The Bloodhound Gang – “Mope”

Most famous for their 1999 mega-hit “The Bad Touch” aka The Discovery Channel Song, The Bloodhound Gang’s trademark lies in their fusion of incredibly blatant sexual innuendo with rapid-fire pop culture references.

While mostly absent of the former attribute (save for the Frankie Goes to Hollywood sample in the chorus), Mope is chock-full of masterful wordplay alluding to everything from Shamrock Shakes to Johnny Quest.

In addition to “Relax“, the track also samples Falco’s “Rock My Amadeus“, Metallica’s “For Whom the Bell Tolls“, and even the Pac-man theme, cumulatively turning a song about mind-numbing boredom into something that’s insanely addictive to sing back and forth between friends during a long road trip.

Illest verse:

“Must’ve blown a fuse / nothing’s going on / Lamer than the Pope / climb the walls like King Kong / Buggin’ out like Tori Spelling’s eyes / deader than the parents on a “Party of Five”"

#4 – Drew D’Amelia – “Mathmaticious”

Take two things that no person in their right mind enjoys – the annoying pop hit ‘Fergalicious’ and Algebraic math – put them together, and you get something that’s so wrong it actually comes out right.

The fact that then-9th-grader D’Amelia wrote the lyrics to this song in 20 minutes is indication of either a brilliant stroke of genius or a tragic waste of time, depending on your biases. Either way, the non-stop recital of π to 89 significant digits halfway through the song is impressive enough to make anyone’s head explode.

Well, anyone but this guy.

Illest verse:

“I’m up about figuring out greatest common factors / and when I make a pie chart I’m in need of a protractor / The angle of elevation, thanks to my calculations / turns out to be 43, a prime number.”

#3 – Barats and Bereta – “Maxwell Dorian, Valedictorian”

As long as we’re on the subject of academics-related rap, it would be a mortal sin not to include this piece by popular internet comedy duo Barats and Bereta.

Whereas most rappers usually express pride about their women, wealth and/or sexual prowess, in this song Luke Barats chooses instead to inform his listeners about his God-like academic abilities as the highest ranking student at his school.

If you’ve been through or are currently attending high school, you’ll understand everything being said in the video. In fact, you probably know people like this. Avoid them.

Illest verse:

“Kant keep up with me once philosophy starts / so smart I pick Sartre apart, discredit Descartes.”

#2 – The Lonely Island – “Lazy Sunday”

Before they brought us the modern classic, Dick in a Box, and the outrageously hilarious Jizz In My Pants, The Lonely Island crew were responsible for creating Lazy Sunday, one of the best White Rap songs of all time.

Nicknamed ‘The Chronic(what?)cles of Narnia Rap‘, the track incorporates everything there is to love about White Rap: passionate rhymes about unimportant activities, incredibly kitschy editing and imagery, and verse after verse of irrelevant pop culture references.

From Google Maps and The Whole 9 Yards all the way up to Alexander Hamilton’s fatal duel with rival Aaron Burr, Andy Samberg and Chris Parnell deliver the lyrics with such precision and seriousness that you can’t help but laugh at the absurdity of it all.

On a side note, Lazy Sunday will soon be officially released in The Lonely Island’s debut album Incredibad, featuring the aforementioned songs, among others. Definitely grabbing a copy when it comes out.

Illest verse:

“Don’t want security to get suspicious / Mr. Pibb and Red Vines equals CRAZY DELICIOUS.”

#1 – Bo Burnham – “I’m Bo Yo”

If Stephen Lynch and Michael Cera somehow met and had a baby, its name would be Bo Burnham.

When it comes down to being the undisputed master of White Rap (and everything else lyrical, for that matter), 18-year old Boston musician Bo Burnham deserves the spot, hands-down. The rate at which he churns out puns that are, according to him, “offensive and creative like handicapped porn“, is simply phenomenal.

With a person with this much talent it’s hard to say anything will adequately describe it – you’ll just have to see it for yourself.

If you enjoyed this, check out his other songs here. (Warning: songs about pedophilia, racism, and BBW galore – all to the skillful accompaniment of a guitar or keyboard.)

Illest verse:

“Cause there’s an inverse relationship between respect and sects / I’m talking ’bout religious sects, like a mormon sect / That says you can’t have sex with members of different sects / but you cant have sex with members of the same sex / So if the sects cant be different, the sex can be same / then the only sex left is some left hand shame.”

-Kev

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